Dear Blogger,

I forgot you were here.
I didn't mean to.
I just did.
I got caught up in a fad.
I think it's over now.

Can we still be friends?

love,
little chik
xoxo

Confession

I am THE WORST toothfairy.

Seriously. The worst. My son lost his tooth at school the other day and brought it home. Left it on the counter and in the morning reminded me she didn't come.

Him: Mom, the toothfairy didn't come.

Me: Really? I think it's because she couldn't find it. You've got to leave it under your pillow buddy so she can find it.

Him: (kind of fell for it) Okay. I'll put it there tonight but she better come.

Me: *whew! I've got one more night to pull it together*promptly forgets*.

next morning :

Kid: (holding said tooth with disgusted accusing look on his groggy morning cute face) She didn't come again mom.

Me: You know what honey? It was just pouring rain last night so I'm sure she couldn't make it out. Ya know, she's little and all that so she can't get those rain drops on her delicate little wings. I'm sure she'll make it out tonight.

Kid: Mom. She better come tonight.

Me: I'm sure she will. *promptly forgets again*

after school

Kid: MOM! MOM! I saw the tooth fairy on the way home from school today and she told me there was 5 bucks waiting for me at home!!!!

Me: Really? Well here's your cash then.


I suck.

Aging

My kids are growing up. It's kind of freaking me out. They are all growing into their gifts and although it's sooooo wonderful it's also kind of scary. I don't know why. I've got one rockin' the drums and playing basketball, one playing electric and joining air cadets(he's all over it), one dancing and performing and playing any instrument she can get her hands on. Perhaps they don't need me as much.

I'm getting old. I feel so much like a grown up lately it's actually kind of sad. I wonder how my grandma dealt with that? How did my mom? Or did you just become an adult and that was the end of it? I am making decisions for myself and for my kids based on character traits I am trying to develop in them, model myself (and honestly, sometimes it's more for me than them). I was struck by the fact this morning, with my birthday getting closer with every passing day, that I am becoming increasingly in danger of getting old. Like over the hill. Like, white haired and wrinkly. K- I'm not really that close. And I'm not as vain as to become completely freaked out by my own aging body but....girl give me hair dye. My nana was white at a super young age and I have to say I see some salt'n'peppa.

Alot of things are changing and I realize I'm at the age of a generation passing on, suppporting others through tragic circumstances, marriages breaking up and well...just change. Change is happening at work and I'm over qualified for my job, so more change is going to happen. Rest eludes me(but never sleep) and there's never enough time to read. With age comes so many wonderful things too. Insight, wisdom, experience, good boundaries, great legs....haha. Perseverance to accomplish dreams. Seeing your kids growing and becoming who they were meant to be.

There's a trade off I suppose. I'm so glad that I was warned my wonderful nana that this would happen. That I would feel like a 20 year old in an aging body. (although I feel considerably better than I did at 20 - ya'll know what I'm talking about). I guess the answer is to read Reader's Digest, drink one rye and pepsi friday night, and walk 3 miles a day.



p.s. If you ever, and I mean EVER see a hair on my chin, or a mustache begins growing...you need to remind me of this conversation and tell me to get it waxed off. OFF! Because friends don't let friends grow facial hair.

Short lived.

Ya, so I'm back on fb already. Sheesh. What was I thinking? There are so many people who's email I forgot to get! Arrggghhh!

But change is coming. I'm not sure how though. I have to call my sister and figure that out.

I suck. And it's quicker than status updating all my friends through email. :)

There's a disturbance in the FB force. I'm not in it.

I've done it. The thing I've been contemplating since I joined.

That's right. I've deactivated my facebook account. The reason I joined in the first place was to see some old pictures a friend had up of me and my best friend. See some nostalgia. But then I got sucked into the chatting of it all, catching up with old friends. Collecting friends. (not really for me, but perhaps others). Sometimes that's what it boils down to. A collection. A collection of people who would otherwise not be able to get together and know things, crazy things, mundane things, inappropriate things....about each other. Things that shouldn't be made public knowledge. Or things that people should be revealing in a trusting relationship. Not all willy nilly over the intertron. Or things that should be put in the context of a conversation, human to human, heart to heart. ALOT of drama is going on over there peeps.

I found myself knowing things about people I knew but wouldn't know that side of them. I saw pictures that shocked me, made me laugh, of people's cutie kids and them. It might be the Luddite in me that feels that the connection is so superficial, so surreal. I might "know" from your status that something bad happened to you but because 100 other people know too, your not really getting any meaningful feedback, and it turns into some kind of weird group discussion that wouldn't be replicated in real life. So even though fb gives the illusion of intimacy, it's really an imitation. And that's the problem I have with fb. We, as a society, spend so much time on line building virtual relationships and not enough time chatting on the phone or spending time together over tea. I could have left my page there and left it all stripped down. But why? All of you, who are here, are in my life already and will remain so.

If I think there's a disturbance in the force and I think it's a warp in the space time continuum, I'll let you know that. And if you have something you want to tell me, I'm all ears. :)


p.s. I ate an avocado today and it didn't taste as bad as I thought it would. It was just like the hummus I was afraid of all those years. Yummy.

25 Things about me.

I have been tagged. My first tag!? I was tagged on Facebook but I'm not really about all THOSE people knowing all this about me. So I'd thought I'd respond here. So I'm still responding just in a different location. :) I'd love to hear about you. If you're reading, consider yourself tagged.

1. I'm wearing earplugs right now and are doing that more often these days. (am I getting old?)

2. I am going to university and despite my pretty high GPA have a super big fear of failure that causes me huge amounts of stress and anxiety.

3. I LOVE napping. It makes me feel good.

4. I secretly want to write and publish children's books that will make them laugh and know love.

5. I also want to be able to write said books in english and cree.

6. When I become a psychologist, I want to be able to help people in their own language.

7. I love laughing and value a BIG sense of humour in anyone who is close to me.

8. I always stay up too late.

9. I run. And I'm not sure if that makes me a "runner" even though I have the t-shirt....and the pants.

10. I'm joining Weight Watchers tonight because I'm sick of having so much junk in the trunk.

11. Although I appear to be extroverted, I am really seriously an introvert and love to spend time alone.

12. I match my underwear to the clothes I'm wearing that day and have since my mom can remember.

13. I am not a morning person. I repeat, I am not a morning person.

14. I am really looking forward to turning 80 so I can go to university for free.

15. A week or month portaging in the bush sounds like a good time to me.

16. I have not touched a drop of alcohol since New Years eve 1992 when I figured out what a frivolous waste of time and mind getting drunk was.

17. I miss my Nana.

18. I'm very honest and never lie. I expect people to be honest to me.

19. I love to drink loose tea with friends.

20. I have found being a parent a really life changing challenge.

21. I love to sing really heartfelt and loud, and I usually sing the wrong words, but I'm okay with that. (my husband on the other hand not so much)

22. My sisters are my best friends.

23. I'm starting to feel the most like myself as I've ever felt as I get closer to 40.

24. I want to travel extensively and broadly.

25. I'm clear headed and calm in a crisis.


Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

Peeps:

Next time I get the hankering to delete all previous blogs, stop me.

As you know, because my son was viewing my blog at school, I felt the need to delete my previous posts. Cuz well I didn't know who was going to be reading them. So I deleted my life stories. Stories that aren't recorded elsewhere. Sweet stories about my kids and life and what I think of winter solstice and how to cook a deer in the ground(which was a favourite outdoor cooking post) and stuff.... I should have copied and pasted it somewhere. Like in my book. Or a book. Or at the very least my external hard drive.

If your here and reading my blog well that's your choice. I have a blog. I post stuff I'm thinking. That's my choice. It might be weird for you to know things like that because maybe your the kind of person I wouldn't say those things to, but knowing me, I probably would anyway so...Blogging is kind of awkward like that. And I think I'm okay with it. I don't write stuff here I wouldn't say out loud over coffee.

I started my blog at the encouragement of The Queen. "People need to hear your voice", she said. Sometimes I blog to let my family, who is far away, know what sort of madness is happening in my life. To get a little giggle at my expense. (I've seriously ALWAYS been this funny!). To keep in touch with friends. And just to have the pleasure of writing and being heard by someone other than my family.

So next time I freak out and delete everything cool. Remind me to at least back it up so I can share my kids escapades with them when their older.

Overheard at our house

Little one: Well mom, I know for sure she likes me now.

Me: Oh really honey? How's that?

Little one: Well she walked by my desk today.

Me: And....? How do you know? Just walking by your desk means she likes you?

Little one: Well no. She did one other thing.

Me: What?

Little one: Well, as she walked by she looked at me and said, "I love you T-man".

Me: (disbelief and shock) What? (laughter) What did you do?

Little one: I pretended not to hear her.

Me: You did what?

Little one: Well you said I can't date yet anyway so why hear her?

Oh my.

Balls of Hate and other life lessons.

In the olden days ladies would get together to "do" something. In my Nana's day they went to each others house to help do something, like pick potatoes, or to pick up eggs but would visit all the while. Some women would get together to quilt. Each making a quilt top and then all get together to quilt the whole thing together and voila a blanket. (that's alot of fun by the way)

When my kids were small, I admit to being a bit of a granola cruncher. I sewed, beaded moccasins, taught myself to knit and crochet. Actually, I think my mom taught me to knit and I painfully knit a tightly woven red scarf...or square because I think I gave up. Anyway, I had developed the habit of never having idle hands in the evening. Since studying I have put my time into that but I do miss working with my hands on a creative piece of work.

I have always done crafty type stuff with my kids and when my daughter hauled out this crochet rug thing and asked me to teach her I was absolutely tickled. I had always dreamed of teaching her to knit and sew and stuff but she's actually gifted artistically and musically and so I think my "crafts" looked pretty corny to a trained eye. :) I got to teaching her and she caught on in about a millisecond but still I sat around and talked. We had an intense heart to heart and I was reminded of the struggles and angst of becoming a young woman. My heart was saddened by the memory of the pain of my own teen years and saddened more by the realization that no one escapes unscathed. It's what makes us who we are I suppose. In the learning how to deal with all the struggles, our own worth, the meanness of others. Grade 8 and 9 is where we choose our path. Which one to go down? The difficult one where we are true to ourselves? Or the easy one that conforms to others?

All of this conversation lead to the frantic creation of a huge ball of crochet t-shirt strips that will be made into a rug. I was amazed by my girl's wisdom when she realized the therapeutic value of the two of us sitting and chatting, crocheting and how much it was helping to release her thoughts and feelings. We hilariously refer to her big rug ball as "a big ball of hate" (a big ball of hate and frustration but we've shortened it down a bit). Her dad would call her for supper, "Time to stop working on your ball of hate honey and come for supper!" I would laugh out loud because I know the benefits of working with your hands, thinking things through with someone to bounce ideas off of and guide you with the wisdom of their own life experiences....and that becomes a ball of healing. A ball of love.

I know we have a challenging few years ahead of us. And I also know we have a close relationship and are working hard to keep the chatting going on. Our girl is good, kind and wise. Too wise for her age. She is beautiful, talented and smart. And she is now working on a "scarf of the disappointment of broken dreams and hope". We're going to have a lot of homemade crochet gear around and should probably take out shares in Bernat or something. I think I'll take a break in studying and start knitting a sweater. I've always wanted to and spending that time with my girl is worth the dip in my marks.

Anyone heard of a psychologist who conducts crocheting sessions? I think the ladies in the days of old had something going on.

Winter

The weather has been absolutely lovely here this week with the temperatures up in to the single digits (still in the negative mind you). But what a huge change from the cold spell we had since the middle of December. It's alway cold here but it has been like crack your skin cold. We have had indoor recess since December 6 and if that doesn't make you uncomfortable....well come hang out with me for a day and you'll know what I'm talking about. Kids need to be outside. Nuf' said.

It has been a really depressing time and I think I have to say that I actually got cabin fever this year. Oh there's lots to do inside ( like crib tournaments and crocheting hate rugs...more on that later ) but not getting outside except from the car to the door is pretty rough. The other thing has been, the utter speed in which the nostrils freeze together. A person can't do much if your skin is cracking open and having your breathing apparatus frozen together and being unsafe to open your mouth just puts a different spin on well....everything.

So this week I have been completely enjoying the weather and getting out and running. It feels so great! I think I have finally become a runner. I keep saying that and I don't really know when I'll officially "feel" like a runner but I run. And now I wear tight pants and I don't care if I get sweaty. It just feels so good to get my body moving, get out in the sun and chat it up with my colleagues. We pump out an easy 3 km or so at lunch and I think tomorrow we'll do the 2 miler. I hope this weather sticks around, I just might get some junk out of the trunk.